I don’t usually share my journal entry but I feel this is important to share as I just went through a difficult time in my life (aka ‘wretched weekend‘). I thought I was healing but I realised I’m still easily triggered and still quite vulnerable if I’m not super careful.
So this is what I felt waking up from an unpleasant dream and tears started streaming down.
The last time I woke up crying with hot tears was during that wretched weekend. This morning, however, the sensations were back.
I wasn’t feeling sad about what happened to me. Rather, I woke up from a rather terrible dream.
I dreamt that I was a refugee of some sort, escaping from some people. My dreams are never really clear with details. All I remember was that there was a group of what seemed to be journalists or undercover agents in a secluded hiding place. They were trying to get me and a few others out of the area and away from people who wanted to capture us for I don’t know what reason. I remember Arissa (a real-life friend of mine) being one of the journalists. She was in my subconscious space because I’ve been admiring her work and effort of becoming a journalist. Wars and social injustices are her thing.
It was a lot of waiting around in that dream/daymare (as it was probably after dawn that I was seeing it). I was at the point where I was about to escape, waiting for a transport for my rescue. The anticipation was building up. But then I woke up. I know, very anticlimactic or potong stim.
I guess I was too afraid to find out what happens next or my mind was not imaginative enough to figure it out quickly. And so I came back into consciousness. And a minute later, tears started pouring out of my unwilling-to-wake-up eyes. It was 8am and I had only slept for 6 hours.
The mind can be irrational, but the emotion is real
I cried because I was feeling sad about the whole thing. That people are still oppressed, being exploited and not treated kindly. I think it was also my mistake of going through Twitter before bed and coming across a video clip of refugees on a boat near a Greek coast pleading for help. But the Greek coastguards were shoving them away by means of sticks and shots.
And I think the word ‘refugees’ have been swirling at the back of my mind when one of my friends that I went on a hike with last Sunday said that we looked like refugees at the back of a 4-wheel. At that time, I did feel that it was a bit offensive but I couldn’t quite put it into words. We were NOT refugees. We were just people on an open truck. Them using the word ‘refugees’ to describe us privileged asses seemed to downgrade the real refugee situation and issues. I didn’t say that at that time because my mind was too slow in forming the right words and I guess I didn’t quite have the conviction to speak my mind.
After mulling it over in my head for over a day, I now have a better opinion. If anyone seems to downgrade a certain term or situation when it’s not appropriate even if it’s meant to be only in jest, I should speak up.
So yeah I guess that term plus that video clip triggered something in me and opened the existing wound slightly.
Do I need help?
Maybe I don’t need expensive therapy but I do need constant companionship and/or keeping myself busy all the time.
This will be a long healing road and I really don’t know when I’ll get to my destination.